How to Interview an Elderly Relative (Without It Feeling Like an Interview)
Image: Vitaly Gariev
To interview an elderly relative without it feeling like an interview, keep it a relaxed conversation instead of a question-and-answer session. Pick a comfortable setting, ask open questions one at a time, listen far more than you talk, follow their tangents wherever they go, and let the recorder run quietly in the background. Warmth is what draws out the real stories. Here’s how to do it.
The word “interview” scares people, and for good reason. Nobody wants to feel like they’re being examined, least of all a proud older person who senses you’re doing it because time is short. Make it feel like an interview and you’ll get short, careful answers and a lot of “oh, you don’t want to hear about that.”
So don’t make it feel like one. The best family conversations don’t look like journalism. They look like a slow afternoon with someone who genuinely wants to know you.
Set it up so it doesn’t feel formal
Choose a place they’re comfortable, their own kitchen, the porch, the passenger seat on a drive. Familiar surroundings loosen people up.
Skip the bright lights and the clipboard. Have coffee, or work while you’re doing something easy together, like looking through a photo box or peeling potatoes. Hands busy, guard down. That’s when the stories come.
The seven things that actually work
Ask open questions, one at a time. “What was your dad like?” opens a door. “Was your dad strict?” closes it with a yes or no. Ask the open kind and give them room.
Then be quiet. This is the hardest and most important one. After you ask, wait. Count to ten in your head if you have to. The silence feels long to you and normal to them, and the best answers almost always arrive after the pause.
Follow the tangent. If you ask about their wedding and they end up telling you about the car that broke down on the way, go with it. The detour is usually the better story. You can always come back.
Listen more than you talk. Resist the urge to fill gaps, top their story with your own, or correct a detail. Your job is to be curious, nod, and ask “what happened next?”
Use photos and objects as keys. Hand them an old picture and ask who everyone is and what was happening that day. A physical thing unlocks memories a direct question never reaches.
Record quietly in the background. Set your phone’s voice recorder going, then set the phone down and forget it. Don’t wave it around. Once people forget it’s there, they relax.
Keep it short and come back. Thirty or forty minutes, then stop while it’s still good. Make it a standing visit rather than one long grilling. They’ll look forward to the next one.
What to avoid
Firing questions rapid-style, like a checklist. It turns a conversation into a test.
Steering them off the “boring” parts. What sounds ordinary to you, the daily routine, the old neighborhood, the price of bread, is exactly the texture that brings a whole era back to life.
Correcting them. If a date’s off, let it go in the moment. You can verify later. Interrupting to fact-check kills the flow and the mood.
When the conversation gets emotional
It will, sometimes. A question about someone they lost, or a hard year, can bring tears. Don’t panic and don’t rush to change the subject. Sit with them. A quiet “take your time” is enough. Often those tender moments are the ones your relative most wants to share, once they know you can handle it.
If they truly don’t want to go somewhere, respect it and move on. Trust is what keeps the door open for next time.
What if they resist the whole idea
Some people wave it off. “My life’s not that interesting.” Nearly everyone says this, and nearly everyone is wrong.
Start small and sideways. Don’t announce a project. Just ask one specific, easy question over dinner, like what their first car was, or how they met. One good memory tends to lead to another, and before long they’re the one bringing up the past. And if it stays hard coming from you, a neutral outside person often gets stories a family member never could. That’s part of why my work exists.
Frequently asked questions
How do I interview an elderly relative without it feeling awkward? Treat it as a relaxed conversation, not a formal interview. Pick a comfortable setting, ask open-ended questions one at a time, wait through the silences, follow their tangents, and record quietly in the background. Looking through old photos together is one of the easiest ways to get started.
What are good open-ended questions to ask an older relative? Ask questions that invite a story: what their childhood home was like, how they met their spouse, the hardest year they lived through, what they’re proudest of. Avoid yes-or-no phrasing. Our list of fifty questions to ask is a ready-made place to start.
Should I record the conversation? Yes. Use your phone’s voice recorder, set it down, and let everyone forget it’s there. Later, the recording captures details you’d never remember, and the sound of their actual voice becomes priceless. Just let them know you’re recording so it’s comfortable.
What if my relative says their life isn’t interesting? Almost everyone says that, and almost everyone is wrong. Start with one small, specific question rather than announcing a big project. A single memory usually opens the door to more. If it stays difficult, a personal historian asking as a neutral outsider often draws out stories family can’t.
I’m Claire, a writer and personal historian on Florida’s Space Coast. When the conversation is too hard to have as a family member, or you simply want it captured well, I’m the neutral, curious outsider who asks and listens. Here’s how to reach me. Ready to try it yourself first? Pair this with our fifty questions to ask and our guide to recording a parent’s life story.
